Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Wise advice
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The game has officially changed 😎
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?