It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE