y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.