Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while