The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car