*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
What a year we’ve had this week.
The Friday File.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
こいつ天才
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym