DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You Might Also Like
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
The glory of fall.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think