ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Can’t stop laughing
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.