Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.