HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out