Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Every haunted house movie:
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.