Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband