Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I mean…but I did
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.