ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
sigh
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The happy life.. 😊
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does