I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it