You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿