The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
You Might Also Like
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
this is the most humiliating day of my life
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
what the
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.