The Sun
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.