*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
#Caturday