Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible