Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?