Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You Might Also Like
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
twitter users today:
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”