Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
#merica
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.