If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Breaking news:
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?