British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda