News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.