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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
no their not
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The pasta is now
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch