*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
You Might Also Like
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
#have a #great #PancakeDay
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.