I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas