Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
when u come home smelling like another dog
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?