Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
You Might Also Like
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Brother?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid