Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I don’t hate children, just yours.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Hamburger Hinderer.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES