stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*