No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.