(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full