Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Have kids, they said
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.