Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
sleeping beauty
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.