Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need