First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.