Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You Might Also Like
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons