In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
These are my roll models.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!