i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me