I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.