Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.