*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.