They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My whole life was a lie.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
😂😂😂