British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Potatoes were such a good idea
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?