Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
#dalle2
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
How it started: How it’s going:
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.