don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.