When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
seems like a niche market
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
shampoo implies shampee
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.